Having everyone home all day every day can be overwhelming no matter how much you adore your family. These tips will help as you cope with everyone being home at once.
“We live in a small house and everyone is fighting for space.”
“I can hear my spouse on work calls all day long, and I need quiet to focus on my work.”
“I can’t get any work done because I’m having to sit with my child while they navigate distance learning.”
“I’m a single parent, and right now I’m getting zero breaks from parenting. I’m exhausted.”
“We are a family of five and had to purchase additional laptops that we can’t afford.”
Do any of these statements sound familiar to you?
We are all having to share space and resources, and it’s not ideal. While quality time is healthy and necessary for all relationships, so are healthy outlets and breaks. We’re not getting the social outlets we are used to, and the effects can be maddening.
Here are a few tips for deescalating fights that are bound to happen due to a COVID-19 quarantine.
Before A Fight Begins:
1. Identify Your Feelings
What are you feeling? Is it guilt because you’re feeling less productive at work? Is it exhaustion from constant parenting? Is it anxiety about the financial impact? Take the time to figure out what you are feeling.
2. What Are They Feeling?
Think about what your child and loved ones are feeling. Ask them how this is affecting their work, school, or social life.
3. Problem-Solve Together
What do we need to do to help one another? Can we create a schedule allocating space and/or computers? Is it possible to work outside with mobile hotspots? If quiet is what you need, make it a rule that everyone uses headphones, or designate a quiet hour. Identify the problem together and come up with creative solutions.
If arguments have already been happening, here are a few things to consider:
1. Identify the Purpose
Ask yourself: What is the purpose of this argument? For example, if you and your child are arguing about schoolwork, what purpose is this serving? If you think that the only way to motivate your child to do their work is to start an argument, then that’s a form of misplaced love. You love your child, you don’t want them to fail, and you are responsible for making sure they continue learning and getting good grades. Find a way to communicate that purpose instead.
2. Redirect the Love
Find a time when you are both calm and have a conversation about the topics that are causing the arguments. For example, explain your reasons for getting on your child’s case about their schoolwork. Find a loving way to explain that it’s because you care about their academic success. Go even deeper: “I care about your grades because I love you so much.”
Ask, “What’s it like for you when I push you to do your schoolwork?” Oftentimes their answer will be, “I don’t feel loved/I don’t feel like I’m good enough.” Even if they can’t communicate this, I would assume that’s how they’re feeling, because that’s the negative core belief that most of us struggle with. It’s part of the human condition, and no one is immune to feelings of inadequacy, especially during childhood. The fact that they are a child indirectly communicates that they are not good enough (they are dependent, they don’t have the same rights, they don’t have size or strength, they don’t have choices, etc.)
3. Give Everyone a Break
Lower expectations for yourself and others. We are all collectively grieving and experiencing a huge crisis. Turn on your internal dialogue with positive, loving words: “I’m doing the best that I can.” Introduce a new family motto: “I’m sorry for what I said (or did) during the COVID-19 quarantine.”
4. Focus on Family Strengths
In difficult times, it’s easy to forget the great things you and your loved ones do every day. Write down 3 things you do well or your kids do well each day. When arguments happen, forgive yourself and your kids, and go over those strengths.
Increased tension is inevitable due to this high stress situation. It’s helpful to establish some ground rules:
1. No Yelling
When we yell at a loved one, their brain goes into fight or flight mode, shutting off supply to their prefrontal cortex. For a child, who is already struggling to regulate because their brain is not fully developed, yelling is traumatic. This explains why children talk back and act out; the Sympathetic Nervous System has been activated and they are in full-on fight mode. The body is in a stress response because it thinks it’s in danger. Adrenaline and cortisol are pumped out, and these chemicals in the body cause us to keep flaming the fire of the argument. Once this happens, the only way to end it is to give the body time to let those chemicals settle.
2. No Put-Downs
Words are important, and when we’re in fight-or-flight mode, we tend to say things we don’t mean because we’re trying to win the fight. Verbal put-downs add fuel to the fire. If a fight escalates to put-downs, agree to give each other the time and space to calm down before discussing the problem further. Remember, put-downs include non-verbal forms of communication too, like eye rolling.
3. Use “I Feel” Statements
Identify the emotion underneath the words you are saying. What are you feeling? Communicate in “I feel ____” statements. This deescalates the argument by making it less about winning and more about addressing the bigger issue.
4. Focus on the Present
Refrain from bringing up situations that happened a long time ago. This is another form of trying to win the argument. Focus on the present challenge, and for now, leave the past in the past. It can be addressed when you’re both feeling calm.
5. One Thing at a Time
Children have a hard time problem solving more than one issue at a time. Space out your concerns, perhaps only one per day.
6. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Agree to let small things go right now. Focusing on the small details is a great distraction from bigger feelings and issues. Recognize that, and let it go.
7. Open a “Complaint Department”
If you have a big family quarantined together, designate a container as the new “complaint” container. Anyone can anonymously file a complaint by writing it down on a small piece of paper and putting it into the container. The rules above should apply. It can be opened by one person, or discussed at a family meeting.
It’s okay to be frustrated with your family during this time. Keep these tips in mind, and be kind to yourself as you navigate how to cope with everyone being home at once.
This is not ideal, and you’re doing the best that you can.
Always remember, “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Christopher Robin, Pooh’s Grand Adventure
By Holly Golden, MA, LMFT, LMHC {Read more about Holly here.}
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