Helping Kids Cope with Feelings of Grief

In this article of the helping kids cope series counselor Holly Golden shares how to help children through the grief process of COVID-19, whether children are grieving the loss of normalcy, the loss of a loved one, or both.

A few weeks ago, an excellent article was published in the Harvard Business Review entitled “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief” by Scott Berinato. If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to. Naming what we are feeling is the first step in coping.

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought two kinds of grief: the loss of normalcy and the death of loved ones. I’ll provide tips on how to help children through the grieving process for both.

Helping Children Grieve the Loss of Normalcy

Grief is felt in stages and it can be applied to any loss experienced in life. For example, a divorce, losing a job, or moving to a new city may bring on a grief experience.

While there are 5 identifiable stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), it’s okay if your experience is different, or doesn’t occur in that order. Grief experts say that everyone is entitled to their own unique grief.

Consider your family’s response to COVID-19, using the 5 stages; it could be a validating exercise.

The emotional experiences of grief are appropriate to this situation. Allow yourself to feel them and provide space for your child to experience them too. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Refrain from self-judgement with comments like “I should be able to handle this,” or “I shouldn’t be so anxious about this.” If you normalize your experience of grief, you will be better prepared to help your child do the same.

2. Know that you are presently safe and healthy, especially if you’re quarantined at home. Keep doing mindfulness exercises that bring you into the present moment: deep breathing, engaging the 5 senses, stretching, etc. Model this for your child, and do it with them.

3. Get creative and find ways to release the emotions of grief. For younger children, play will be an excellent form of expression. For older children and teens, songs that express how they are feeling could be helpful.

Several professionals are creating and sharing free resources.

Ana M. Gomez, a leading psychotherapist for children and adolescents, has published an e-book about COVID-19, which you can view by clicking the link: The Story of the Oyster and the Butterfly: the Corona Virus and Me. I recommend reading it with your children, and completing the activity pages together.

Another amazing new book is called Captain Corona & the 19 COVID Warriors by Melissa Gratias. It is available for free by clicking the link and entering your email address. It provides an excellent explanation of the virus and a focus on the helpers (including you and your family).

Helping Children Grieve a Death

If you have lost a loved one due to COVID-19, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a tragedy, and there are no words that I can write to take the pain away.

I hope to provide resources that are helpful to you and your children. Here are a few tips on how to help your child grieve the death of a loved one.

1. Be Honest

It’s important that the child truly understands that the person they loved is now dead. Adults try to protect their children from this information because they assume that the child won’t understand, or will be traumatized. Refrain from protecting them by lying to them. It can stunt the child’s natural grieving process. Be very honest with them, saying “Mr. Thomas died from the coronavirus.” Explain what it means to be dead in a way they can understand. There are several children’s books that can help explain the concept. I can recommend two: The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst, and Water Bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney.

2. Be Clear

It can be tempting to say things like “Grandma went to Heaven” or “Aunt Marge is no longer with us.” Vague statements are understood by adults because our brains automatically apply this concept to a larger framework. However, children will be confused. Children understand cause and effect at basic level. They might think that it was Grandma’s choice to leave them, because they misbehaved. Find a way to explain death to your child in words or pictures that are easy for them to understand.

3. Trust

We all have an innate ability to heal and recover from the death of a loved one. Trust that your child can and will grieve in their own way, and on their own timeline. Keep your explanation simple and leave room for their response or questions. Only answer questions that they ask. Most of the time, children will respond simply with “Okay.” You may be surprised by their simple response. They are looking to you as an example of how to grieve and express feelings they may not have felt before.

4. Care

Provide love with a gentle touch, eye contact, and your presence. Depending on your child’s age, they may respond to the news of a loved one’s death in multiple ways. It’s possible there is no response at all, as they may be too young to understand it. Their response could be quiet, loud, inquisitive, playful, inactive, artistic, helpful, and the list goes on. Let them know you care by providing space for their unique grief response. Reflect any emotions you might see or hear, and tell them it’s okay to feel that way.

5. Support

You and your family may benefit from support. I encourage families who have experienced a death to seek counseling or a support group specific to grief. There are community groups and organizations that meet weekly or monthly. There are grief camps for children in the summer. There are online support groups that meet virtually. Speak to a local counselor or social worker in your area for resources. Visit www.grief.com for more resources.

A global pandemic of this magnitude is going to affect us in multiple ways for years to come. For some, a grief experience will be delayed. That is okay too. Wherever you are today, know that you are doing the very best you can, and let that be enough.

By Holly Golden, MA, LMFT, LMHC {Read more about Holly here.}

READ MORE IN THIS SERIES…

Read the next post in this series: How to cope with everyone being home at once.

Or visit the Helping Kids Cope with the Coronavirus Pandemic series main page for updates for more information.